kamanaa

I was born and brought up in an island, the most southern part of the Maldives. At the age of 14 I got the opportunity to come to Male’ for further education. I was excited and overjoyed. But my experience in Male’ was not even close to what I expected. So every day I look into an opportunity to be free. I met my future husband at the age of 18 by that time I had nothing else in my mind other than marrying him. Reason: an escape.  Do I love him? I don’t know. I think I do.

I was too naïve to realize the consequences of this marriage. I was only 19 when I found out I was pregnant. At 20 I was a mother..Wow! What about the father. He was the most irresponsible person. He lived in his own world with his friends. I was home with the baby. Since we were financially in a dept I started working. Probably that was the wisest decision I took in my life.

I loved working, being independent, the social life…I loved everything about it. Sometimes I had to work long hours but my husband was never bothered. He was occupied with his own life. I was searching for love, affection, romance and kindness….it was all missing in my life.

I met him, (I don’t want to give him a proper name, so I would refer to him as Kalhusoru) at a friend’s place. I did not even take notice of him at first but I did notice him staring at me. The next day my friend told me that Kalhusoru would like to talk to me. I said why not? There is no harm in speaking to someone. That one single phone call leads to the next and to the next. I don’t know what pulled me towards him neither do I know what attracted him to me, all I know is that I was happy and comfortable with him. I was able to discuss my work related issues; though he might not know much about my work he was always happy to give suggestions.

By this time I was slowly drifting away from my husband. There was no love, it died long time back. (Probably there never was).The only thing that kept us connected was our daughter. But I was not ready to spend my whole life with someone who does not care about me just because we have a child. I brought up the topic of divorce and he was ready at once.

My relationship with Kalhusoru continued: By the way did I mention that he has a girlfriend? He does and he is very clever in handling the situation.

I met Kalhusoru again at a party and after the party he invited me over to his place. I didn’t know what was going on in my head that I agreed at once. I had never had so much ecstasy in my life. With a song that still lingers in my mind was playing in the background. I was swaying to the beat of the music on his feet. I have never been touched the way I was touched that night. I have never been loved the way I was loved that night (well I don’t know if it was real love or lust: well whatever,). For the first time in my 26 years of existence I became a woman. A real woman.

We kept our relationship a secret, we had to. We continued our secret meetings. When everyone else is asleep we are awake. Either on the phone or at his place: We meet during the odd hours, but it was fun. Neither of us asked each other where this relationship was leading. But we both knew one thing. We felt comfortable with each other, we are at ease with each other, we can show our true feelings, we had nothing to hide..(that’s what I thought was happening). Once I asked him what keeps us together and he said that it’s the trust that we have in each other.

I knew that we do not have a future together since he was in a very serious relationship, and I do not want to spend my whole life being the other woman in someone’s life. By the third year I started dating someone else. I avoided Kalhusoru as much as I can. But somehow we started crossing each other’s path. But we did manage to stay away. While I was dating, Kalhusoru broke up with his long term girlfriend. But never, not even once did he mention us getting together. If he had I would probably run to him leaving everyone else behind. (I did ask him later why he did not propose to me, he told me that he was a fool, and he did not see the true picture in front of him)

I got married again and by the second year I had a son. I was busy with two kids around and my husband was there to help me. We had a good relationship. Compared to my earlier marriage this was heaven. But whenever I am alone, or when I hear that song my mind lingers, and Kalhusoru would occupy my mind. However much I try it keeps on happening.  

We did not have any contact for more than 3 years, and we met again. Just like that.  I was with my son and he was there, right in front of me. We have both changed, only from outside. But that spark was still there. I can feel it. With that spark the flame started burning again.

We did not meet but we started talking on the phone, exchanged sms, and kept contact. By the way he is also married.

The amazing thing is that we never talked about love. Neither of us asked each other that question. Whether we love each other?

My husband found out about my relationship with Kalhusoru by the 7^th year of our marriage. All he said was that he can’t fight with true love. True love! He! I asked him why he said so, and he told me that if it is not true love I would not have betrayed him, Kalhusoru would not have betrayed his wife. We have not been faithful to the people whom we should be. The final words he said before he left me were “probably you two are meant for each other, it’s the situation that’s becoming a barrier”….

Today in my early 40’s I am a single mother of two. With a good job and through my hard work I am able to live in Male’. As for Kalhusoru he is still married, probably very happy with his wife. We had a very unique relationship. I loved him and still do, I don’t know about him because he never said that he love me…No he said that once..but that was probably because of the circumstance. But I do not want to believe that he does not love me, if it is not love than why does he want to spend time with me, why would he care about me? I know we can never be together, because he has told me that he can never imagine living with anyone else other than his wife.

So what did I gain in life? You might say nothing…But I won’t say that. I have the memories that I can always look back…whenever I hear that song I have the flash backs of the very first night as if it happened yesterday. Is that all I want in life? Do I want to grow old alone? Do I want to die alone? I don’t know…..but I know one thing. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. Because I know I can never ever be with anyone else other than Kalhusoru….Any ways all love stories need not have happy endings.  But who knows mine might have a happy ending…..some day….